“I followed your dad to town the other day and was really worried about him. He was having a hard time staying between the lines.” Both my husband and I had this issue with our fathers. The eyesight begins to go. Reaction time slows. Hard conversations are imminent.
It’s so awkward having the “it’s time” talk. It’s time to put up the keys. It’s time to sell the car. It’s time to move to assisted living. It’s time to sell the house. It’s time to let us help with your checkbook, your mail, your pills, your meals…….
This isn’t an off-the-cuff conversation. To “parent” your parent takes planning and prior conversations with siblings if you are blessed to have them to help shoulder the load. Let’s be real – it takes backbone and some nerves of steel. (Key the SuperMan music!) It is not the natural order of things for an adult child to be laying down the law to the parent. The natural order is when the parent makes the rules and the offspring abide by them.
Balancing their need for independence with our need for them to be safe and cared for – it’s sometimes like a tightrope walk across Niagara Falls. That’s not been easy to accomplish either!
So how do you know when it’s time? For us, we were able to ease into it both times. We were able to give our dads some “warning signs” that it was coming.
- “I think I’ll drive you to your doctor’s appointment. The doctor always talks so fast, I’ll help you keep track of what he says. Then maybe we can go to lunch after.”
- “I’m heading to pick up some groceries, can I get anything for you? Or do you want to ride along?”
- “Can I help you with those bills?” (Or insurance papers, bank statement, mail…. And the list goes on and on of all the things that are hard to understand or deal with as you age.)
- “I heard the pharmacy will prepackage medicine for you. That would be so convenient!”
At first these attempts will most likely be met with resistance. Perhaps even anger at the thought of needing help or sacrificing that independence they know they are hanging onto with a thread. Don’t take that personally. Just like being a parent, “parenting” our parents is not for the faint of heart! This is most likely going to be a long haul and will go easier if you are able to go slowly.
That being said, if they are already unsafe you don’t have the luxury of taking time to lay new ground rules. Some examples of that:
- Driving unsafely to the point they may harm themselves or others.
- Unhealthy eating habits such as skipping meals, not throwing out food that’s spoiled
- Mishandling medicine – dropping pills, skipping doses
- Missing appointments or not remembering doctor’s conversations or instructions
- Having financial issues – worrying about money unnecessarily, falling for phone scams
- Developing bad hygiene habits such as not bathing consistently, not changing when incontinent. This is not only awkward but can actually cause health issues.
- Falling – unless they are just klutzy like I can be sometimes J
The most important thing is that your parents are taken care of. Some of those decisions are hard. I can’t tell you how many times we had the conversation about “no driving” because of vision and reaction time – then we would hear that our dads had been out driving around to pass the time. They know it’s getting hard and may defensively brag, “well, I don’t try to drive at night anymore. It’s just too hard to see.” When you live in a rural community, not driving means sitting at home ALL. THE. TIME. Being at the mercy of others who are working full time to make sure you have what you need. Depending on them to take you out for a drive to check the crops or see the fall colors or maybe some days they just want an ice cream cone. Who wants to ask someone to take the time to indulge such a whim? But let me tell you, if I make it to that age, you can be certain I would LOVE to go for an ice cream run!!
With my FIL we lucked out because of COVID. No one was driving anywhere and he didn’t need to be out in public, not even church. So his car sat in the garage for a long time. A granddaughter was going to drive his car to take him to a doctor appointment but the battery was dead. My husband was in no hurry to fix it, but my FIL was insistent so it could be used if needed. Shortly after the battery was charged or replaced, one of the tires went flat. Now we really did NOT take the air out although that would have been smart. Again, the hubby wasn’t in a hurry to get that repaired since it was a convenient excuse for him not to drive.
My FIL continued to try. We eventually had to hide the keys to everything: the car, the riding mower and even the tractor! We felt bad but we knew we didn’t have a choice. It was the loving, responsible thing to do.
If you know it’s going to be coming some time in your future, go ahead and have that discussion with your parents and your siblings NOW. Get some input from your parents so they have some time to think about how they want to handle it when they CAN’T handle it. If they feel more like it’s their decision and they have had some say in how it’s going to be handled, they will be more likely to agree when the time comes. Wouldn’t you?